I was so angry at God today. In fact, I'm still not too pleased with Him. No, he didn't let someone that I love die, he didn't allow us to declare bankruptcy, no, we didn't loose our dwelling place.
He wouldn't help me get the wire racks back into the oven.
And I was mad enough that I cried.
I felt like I wanted to abandon this faith that I have cherished for these many years.
I guess it felt like a final straw. I was truly Job (and Cain,,,again! :( )I was telling the Lord how I have been trying to do what He says, trying to help, wanting to get things cleaned up and nice for my husband, but yet I can't get any help with something as simple as oven racks!!
When I was telling my kids about my emotional breakdown, I told them that I'm glad God is not like Zeus or one of those mythical Greek gods or he would have thrown a lightning bolt at me!
I can't seem to stop having expectations that everything should go the way I want. It seems to be a 'works' mentality -- if I do enough good things, You should make everything go my way - always.
Forgive me Lord. Thank You for Your long suffering towards me. Continue to form Christ in me, Amen
Friday, May 20, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
I Am Cain (But I Don't Want to Be!)
My next to oldest son said that this evening as he was cutting the grass, he began to think about what the Father said to Cain, "If you do good, won't you be accepted'. He said the thought went through his mind a few times as he was doing the cutting.
Then, later that evening as I was reading a bible study, the teacher was talking about the mark of Cain and how he believes the mark was a counterfeit love, or a 'love' that the fleshly man uses to get what he really wants. He/she helps others but it is for the purpose of fulfilling his own desires.
At first it sounded rather odd to me, but as I continued reading, I began to think of myself. I thought about how I have been so distraught that the Lord has allowed me to experience some things that I didn't think He should let me experience because of my 'obedience' and 'love' for Him. I saw how, that if this gentleman is correct, I was being just like Cain! I had presented my 'sacrifice' to the Lord, one that I felt was good and worthy, but it wasn't being accepted! Acceptance being interpreted as the trial not lasting too long, having a peaceful time in the trial, being able to still do most of the things "I" wanted to do in the midst of the trial, etc.
Then, when my expectations weren't met my "countenance fell". I was distraught and felt depressed and unloved by the Father. As I saw myself as Cain, I then began to think about the verse that says to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to the Lord as our act of service/worship/ministry. I began to feel like I had held something back; my sacrifice was half hearted and not complete. "Lord, am I doing this to get you to love me, to get you to bless me. to prove that I am a true Christian or some other reason?" The soulish, fleshly nature can be so deceitful! Please help me to really lay myself on the altar, to not love my life more than I love you,
Help me to receive the corrections you have for me and to lift up my hanging hands and strengthen my feeble knees; help me make straight paths for my feet. I want to see you Lord as you REALLY are, not according to religious traditions or the lens of my own self serving heart. I want to live for you and by you not saying that I am yours while all the while living out of my own soul. I need you Lord; I can't change myself. I am in your hands Father. be merciful as you continue to strip away
everything that is vain and fake and confused and misunderstood and doubtful and sinful. I want your REAL love, not the anti love; the love that we so comfortably deal through in our fleshly natures that has at its basis a tit for tat, reciprocity motive - even if it's not receiving something from the other person but an expectation that our actions are buying 'favor' with You.
Help me to receive the corrections you have for me and to lift up my hanging hands and strengthen my feeble knees; help me make straight paths for my feet. I want to see you Lord as you REALLY are, not according to religious traditions or the lens of my own self serving heart. I want to live for you and by you not saying that I am yours while all the while living out of my own soul. I need you Lord; I can't change myself. I am in your hands Father. be merciful as you continue to strip away
everything that is vain and fake and confused and misunderstood and doubtful and sinful. I want your REAL love, not the anti love; the love that we so comfortably deal through in our fleshly natures that has at its basis a tit for tat, reciprocity motive - even if it's not receiving something from the other person but an expectation that our actions are buying 'favor' with You.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Education
Education is the Holy Grail of the modern society. It is one of the pieces of the system of this World that mankind has built in its tower of Babel; a part of the Babylonian system that seeks to usurp the rule of Yahweh over man.
Education has been used by fallen man to help him gain preeminence over his circumstances, at least in Western society. The thinking goes that the better the education, the better the ability to make ones own way in the world, i.e. make more money, have more prestige and more influence in the world.
I don't think learning, in and of itself is a bad thing. There are many things in our world that the Father would have us understand, I think particularly, how nature works (plants, animals, weather, our bodies). But as with all things, our hearts motivation will determine whether we are dealing with these learnings 'lawfully' or not.
The Father cannot be left out in our conjecturing on what needs to be learned and how in depth. Learning to acquire riches, learning, to be accepted, learning to acquire power over others - these goals are highly suspect!
As kingdom citizens, we need to allow ourselves to be directed in our educational pursuits as in every other thing we endeavor to do.
And while I use education and learning interchangeably, I would say education is more of the system, while learning is the process of experiencing and observing the world around us.
Education has been used by fallen man to help him gain preeminence over his circumstances, at least in Western society. The thinking goes that the better the education, the better the ability to make ones own way in the world, i.e. make more money, have more prestige and more influence in the world.
I don't think learning, in and of itself is a bad thing. There are many things in our world that the Father would have us understand, I think particularly, how nature works (plants, animals, weather, our bodies). But as with all things, our hearts motivation will determine whether we are dealing with these learnings 'lawfully' or not.
The Father cannot be left out in our conjecturing on what needs to be learned and how in depth. Learning to acquire riches, learning, to be accepted, learning to acquire power over others - these goals are highly suspect!
As kingdom citizens, we need to allow ourselves to be directed in our educational pursuits as in every other thing we endeavor to do.
And while I use education and learning interchangeably, I would say education is more of the system, while learning is the process of experiencing and observing the world around us.
Musings January 30, 2016
Watching Gunsmoke, it was said of a man that he was being very generous in the use of ingredients he used in making a potion. The man, upon hearing the statement, walked into the room and said, stinginess is for the small hearted and the fearful.
I like that.
I desire to be a generous, even extravagantly so, person who doesn't let fear or a lack of internal character limit my ('Your', Father) expression of Grace, Blessing and Mercy in the world.
2nd musing:
I purpose by an act of my will to trust you Lord. My emotions/flesh say 'no, you see that you are in a situation that you didn't want to be in, I can't trust Him!" But I am going to disregard the voice of my flesh and the enemy. You have been so good and gracious in ways that I don't even know! You have protected, guided, fed, opened doors, rebuked the enemy, given me wants as well as needs - I am going to trust you for you are Good and Faithful and just like we want to give good gifts to OUR children you have and are giving good gifts to ME! So thank you Lord! I trust you to work all things out for my good. Help me to remain steadfast, unmoveable and always abounding in Your work. Now fulfill my Joy, return to me the Joy of my Salvation. Restore my Hope. And to You Lord be the Glory the Power and the Honor now and forevermore! Amen.
I like that.
I desire to be a generous, even extravagantly so, person who doesn't let fear or a lack of internal character limit my ('Your', Father) expression of Grace, Blessing and Mercy in the world.
2nd musing:
I purpose by an act of my will to trust you Lord. My emotions/flesh say 'no, you see that you are in a situation that you didn't want to be in, I can't trust Him!" But I am going to disregard the voice of my flesh and the enemy. You have been so good and gracious in ways that I don't even know! You have protected, guided, fed, opened doors, rebuked the enemy, given me wants as well as needs - I am going to trust you for you are Good and Faithful and just like we want to give good gifts to OUR children you have and are giving good gifts to ME! So thank you Lord! I trust you to work all things out for my good. Help me to remain steadfast, unmoveable and always abounding in Your work. Now fulfill my Joy, return to me the Joy of my Salvation. Restore my Hope. And to You Lord be the Glory the Power and the Honor now and forevermore! Amen.
Musings OCT 18,2015, Sunday
I have felt that I needed to be God in peoples lives. I don't know if this has been a conscious effort, except where it pertains to my children, but I have acted that way with adults.
The Father gives us all free reign within his permissive will to move on whatever inclinations we have. If we don't come to him and ask for counsel or ask for counsel of the Lord through those we feel have an understanding of God's ways, then Father let's us move forward with our own desires.
That being said, the bible DOES say that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord. We are God's righteousness in Christ. We can have a confidence that Father will not lead us into temptation and that He will deliver us from Evil.
The Father's leadings, however, are often designed to prune us and to mature us. That may mean that broken, unhealed, sinful places in our hearts are allowed to have their full expression,
which will lead us into temptation,
which will cause us to sin,
which will bring about circumstances that are painful/undesireable to us,
which Father will use to prune us so that we become more like Him
so that the desires of our heart are His desires,
so that His will can be manifested in the earth through us,
so that He receives the Glory.
It is all HIS work and he does it very elegantly.
He is more than capable of bringing or allowing circumstances to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we look to Him for salvation, in all it's forms. He is in no hurry and His timetable is the only one that matters..
Even though I have limited insight, I still often feel like I know what is best in a situation, not only for myself but for someone else as well.
I don't want to do that any more Lord.
I can only deal with myself and my relationship with you.
If someone asks for counsel, that's a different matter. I DO want to be an oracle of yours when you desire me to but I don't want to be the self appointed spiritual sheriff to everyone - its frustrating and often fruitless.
BUT, Lord, I do not like that other peoples decisions impact me!
But I believe you can work it out for my good (I still don't like it though!)
Help me to not be so invested in matters emotionally that I get out of a place of your perfect peace when people do what I feel like are crazy, unprofitable (spiritually) actions.
I love you Lord, I want to yield myself to you to be transformed into your faithful, trustworthy daughter.
The Father gives us all free reign within his permissive will to move on whatever inclinations we have. If we don't come to him and ask for counsel or ask for counsel of the Lord through those we feel have an understanding of God's ways, then Father let's us move forward with our own desires.
That being said, the bible DOES say that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord. We are God's righteousness in Christ. We can have a confidence that Father will not lead us into temptation and that He will deliver us from Evil.
The Father's leadings, however, are often designed to prune us and to mature us. That may mean that broken, unhealed, sinful places in our hearts are allowed to have their full expression,
which will lead us into temptation,
which will cause us to sin,
which will bring about circumstances that are painful/undesireable to us,
which Father will use to prune us so that we become more like Him
so that the desires of our heart are His desires,
so that His will can be manifested in the earth through us,
so that He receives the Glory.
It is all HIS work and he does it very elegantly.
He is more than capable of bringing or allowing circumstances to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we look to Him for salvation, in all it's forms. He is in no hurry and His timetable is the only one that matters..
Even though I have limited insight, I still often feel like I know what is best in a situation, not only for myself but for someone else as well.
I don't want to do that any more Lord.
I can only deal with myself and my relationship with you.
If someone asks for counsel, that's a different matter. I DO want to be an oracle of yours when you desire me to but I don't want to be the self appointed spiritual sheriff to everyone - its frustrating and often fruitless.
BUT, Lord, I do not like that other peoples decisions impact me!
But I believe you can work it out for my good (I still don't like it though!)
Help me to not be so invested in matters emotionally that I get out of a place of your perfect peace when people do what I feel like are crazy, unprofitable (spiritually) actions.
I love you Lord, I want to yield myself to you to be transformed into your faithful, trustworthy daughter.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Only two rulers in the Earth
No longer seeing any person after the flesh but understanding that each and every human is being ruled by either the Spirit of God or the flesh/spirit of this world/Satan. Whether we believer it or not, we all are moving by the inspiration of one or the other (counting the flesh/world/Satan as 'one').
Once that this is understood that it is always, no matter what, every-single-time-the-case,then"I" have to be committed to listen for the Spirit, to flow from the Spirit, to respond by the Spirit. I don't want to be flesh ruled/world ruled/Satan ruled. I don't.
Help me father. Give me revelation! Open the eyes of my heart so that I can see people as you see them and understand what spirit they are walking in. And then, to know how you want me to respond since it may not always be the same way even though it may be the same person and they may be operating in the same spirit they've operated in before.
YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And I want to be a true and faithful witness of that. I cant do it on my own.. Live through me! Christ IN ME!
Once that this is understood that it is always, no matter what, every-single-time-the-case,then"I" have to be committed to listen for the Spirit, to flow from the Spirit, to respond by the Spirit. I don't want to be flesh ruled/world ruled/Satan ruled. I don't.
Help me father. Give me revelation! Open the eyes of my heart so that I can see people as you see them and understand what spirit they are walking in. And then, to know how you want me to respond since it may not always be the same way even though it may be the same person and they may be operating in the same spirit they've operated in before.
YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And I want to be a true and faithful witness of that. I cant do it on my own.. Live through me! Christ IN ME!
Friday, October 9, 2015
Pure Love
I was thinking today that the purest expression of what the Father's love is like, that agape kind of love, can be seen in how a mother loves her child.
A mother doesn't feel envious, or boastful against her child. She is patient and kind towards her child.
A mother is very mindful of the mental/emotional state of her child and the various stages he/she passes through and handles the child accordingly. Her thoughts are constantly for the well being of the child and wants that child to excel in all ways. It is really a sacrificial love.
As I was thinking of this, my desire began to move toward wanting to feel this way towards humanity as a whole. I thought 'surely, this is how the Father and His Son feel toward us - the way a mother does toward her beloved child'. I want to be able to deal with people in the same way that the Father does- it must be possible for Christ is in me! Allowing the reactions of others that stem from their brokenness and pain to twist my response into anything other than love(agape) shows how far I still have to go in allowing my true new creation nature to be manifest! Ugh! I hate that my growth seems to be soooo slow!
"Oh Father, think you so much for Jesus! My hope is in Him and His manifestation more perfectly through me. Your mercies upon me and forgive me for constantly falling short of your desires for my life."
A mother doesn't feel envious, or boastful against her child. She is patient and kind towards her child.
A mother is very mindful of the mental/emotional state of her child and the various stages he/she passes through and handles the child accordingly. Her thoughts are constantly for the well being of the child and wants that child to excel in all ways. It is really a sacrificial love.
As I was thinking of this, my desire began to move toward wanting to feel this way towards humanity as a whole. I thought 'surely, this is how the Father and His Son feel toward us - the way a mother does toward her beloved child'. I want to be able to deal with people in the same way that the Father does- it must be possible for Christ is in me! Allowing the reactions of others that stem from their brokenness and pain to twist my response into anything other than love(agape) shows how far I still have to go in allowing my true new creation nature to be manifest! Ugh! I hate that my growth seems to be soooo slow!
"Oh Father, think you so much for Jesus! My hope is in Him and His manifestation more perfectly through me. Your mercies upon me and forgive me for constantly falling short of your desires for my life."
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