I Am Cain (But I Don't Want to Be!)

My next to oldest son said that this evening as he was cutting the grass, he began to think about what the Father said to Cain, "If you do good, won't you be accepted'. He said the thought went through his mind a few times as he was doing the cutting.

Then, later that evening as I was reading a bible study, the teacher was talking about the mark of Cain and how he believes the mark was a counterfeit love, or a 'love' that the fleshly man uses to get what he really wants. He/she helps others but it is for the purpose of fulfilling his own desires.

At first it sounded rather odd to me, but as I continued reading, I began to think of myself. I thought about how I have been so distraught that the Lord has allowed me to experience some things that I didn't think He should let me experience because of my 'obedience' and 'love' for Him. I saw how, that if this gentleman is correct, I was being just like Cain! I had presented my 'sacrifice' to the Lord, one that I felt was good and worthy, but it wasn't being accepted! Acceptance being interpreted as the trial not lasting too long, having a peaceful time in the trial, being able to still do most of the things "I" wanted to do in the midst of the trial, etc.

 Then, when my expectations weren't met my "countenance fell". I was distraught and felt depressed and unloved by the Father.  As I saw myself as Cain, I then began to think about the verse that says to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to the Lord as our act of service/worship/ministry. I began to feel like I had held something back; my sacrifice was half hearted and not complete. "Lord, am I doing this to get you to love me, to get you to bless me. to prove that I am a true Christian or some other reason?" The soulish, fleshly nature can be so deceitful! Please help me to really lay myself on the altar, to not love my life more than I love you,
Help me to receive the corrections you have for me and to lift up my hanging hands and strengthen my feeble knees; help me make straight paths for my feet. I want to see you Lord as you REALLY are, not according to religious traditions or the lens of my own self serving heart. I want to live for you and by you not saying that I am yours while all the while living out of my own soul. I need you Lord; I can't change myself. I am in your hands Father. be merciful as you continue to strip away
everything that is vain and fake and confused and misunderstood and doubtful and sinful. I want your REAL love, not the anti love; the love that we so comfortably deal through in our fleshly natures that has at its basis a tit for tat, reciprocity motive - even if it's not receiving something from the other person but an expectation that our actions are buying 'favor' with You.